Thanks For: My Life is NOT A Horror Movie

Dear Fog,

If my life was a horror movie, I’d most certainly be dead based on the atmosphere you provided for my trip home last night. Basically I was confronted with the fog wall of death. You want to see more than 2 feet in front of you. Haha. Nope. Have some fog. Have some streetlights trying to shine through the fog. Have an abandoned parking lot.

I know how that scene is supposed to go. Plucky, brunette nerd convinces herself to stop being so silly because life is not a movie. She drifts through the fog towards her car. It’s fine. It’s fine. She says to herself. There is no scientific basis for fog equaling murderers hiding just out of sight. She reaches for the keys as she enters a particularly dense fog patch. boom . dead.

Thankfully your plucky nerd is still kicking. Either there were no murderers hiding in the fog or my well executed plan of running from my work building to the car like a flailing Olympic sprinter paid off. What? It’s not like my colleagues could see me, there was too much fog.

So today I’m basically thankful that there were no murderers in the fog. Or else I’m thankful for the fact that there were really slow murderers in the fog.

Either way.

Aria

Thanks For: Canada is Running Out of Cowboys

Dear Canadians Everywhere,

There is an urgent need for cowboys in Canada. Remember how you wanted to be a cowboy when you grew up? CANADA WANTS YOU. This is phenomenal. I didn’t even know that you still had the option to have the profession ‘cowboy’. I thought the cowboy when the way of the viking and the knight – straight out of existence and into imaginations.

Not so! Canada’s west is holding tight to the rough, rowdy, cow driving, horse riding, man with boots and a hat. In fact, we need more. We want cowboys. We’re actively looking for more people to get on horses and herd cows. There are JOB DESCRIPTIONS TITLED ‘COWBOY’ SOMEWHERE. I once applied to a job sololy because I wanted to write ‘Software Ninja’ on my resume. I wanted to be a ninja in any capacity.

But someone out there is a cowboy.

That’s it right there. That’s what I’m thankful for. I’m thankful that someone can legitimately write cowboy on their business card. I’m thankful that the old west isn’t quite so old. I’m thankful for the little 6 year old inside who is thrilled at  this concept.

The Hedgehog shouldn’t be a teacher. He needs to drop out of school, get this butt in gear, and take his 6 foot something tall self over to Alberta and the other prairie places and be a real cowboy. That would make me a cowgirl by association. Without any of the dirt or camping or cows or manure. Yes. This is a good plan.

But seriously, cowboys still exist and we actively want more.

Thank you so much Truth North Strong and Free. Keep being Strong and Free and the new home of cowboys.

Regards,

Aria

Thanks For: There are Apprentice Ninjas On The Roof

Dear Literally Ninjas or Really Fat Seagulls,

STOP SETTING OFF THE ALARMS! I know it’s you causing the mind-numbing, brain-piercing siren to go off periodically during the day. You’re not even consistent with you timing. You land on the roof all stealthily then mess up or tip your fat seagull selves over and set off the alarm.

You know what I’m doing while you plan your assault on the building? Working like a good little employee. Then you set off your siren and I jump. Every. Single. Time. It’s not a great arrangement. Please improve your ninja skills or take a seagull weight loss program. Pretty please?

Or take me with you to your ninja academy to learn your ways.

But really, the siren is right above my head. I’m not appreciating it. It’s bad enough when the workmen are on the roof next door and bang on the window to our office accidentally with their tools. You ever turned around to a second story window and seen a large hairy man waving at you? Do not recommend.

However, you know why I’m thankful for you? Because you’re bringing the office together. Everyone emerges from their little rooms to discuss the noise, what could be causing the noise, if we should send someone onto the roof to investigate. It’s a party.

But still, increase those ninja skills.

Aria

Thanks For: Mother Desperately Trying to Understand Technology

Dear Technology Challenged Mom,

You’ve mastered the Kijiji ad, you’ve adjusted to Windows 8, you’re mostly okay with the majesty of touch screens. But now you want to work on Dad’s advertising both at the office and at home – as your daughter it’s fallen to me to take on this hair-pulling, mind-blowing task of teaching you how. Mother. It’s time to understand The Dropbox.

I’m sorry for laughing when you didn’t know how to get to your files. It was laugh or cry a little. I was trying to keep it all upbeat. That’s difficult when you seem to think that your Kijiji account can only be accessed from one specific computer. Thanks for not questioning me when I popped a shortcut onto Chrome. Thank you for rolling with it. Thanks past me for teaching mother how to use Chrome and not Internet Explorer like the Father.

Sigh. Sadness.

But thanks for trying so hard mother. I know this is frustrating for both of us. I promise that ctrl c and ctrl v really are the same as clicking with the mouse. At least you know how to copy and paste. I’m thankful that you can at least do things. I’m thankful that you realize how aggravating it is to move at a pace that a turtle could beat without all that sketchy rabbit napping.

Just remember how happy you were when you first got it the dropbox to work at home! You said, and I quote, “It’s just like magic.”

Let’s not do it again,

Aria

ps Hedgehog little  brother – I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE A MAC AND DON’T ‘KNOW THOSE WINDOWS THINGS’ STOP LYING. YOU CAN STILL TEACH THE PARENTS ‘TO EMAIL’. I’M ONTO YOU!

Thanks For: Putting Nukes Inside Hurricanes Is Not A Good Idea

Dear People Who Actually Did the Math on Nuclear Bombs Inside Hurricanes,

You pretty much sum it up in your third sentence: “Needless to say, this is not a good idea.” Thank you so much for clarifying. But more importantly, thank you for bothering to do this research in the first place. I absolutely love the idea that there’s someone somewhere doing complicated math equations about the effect of nuclear bombs on hurricanes.

I also love how Atlantic Oceanographic and Meteorological Laboratory got asked this question so often that they felt the need to post a formal response to the question (link). That tells me that our imaginations are working just fine people.

Apparently there’s a theory that we can stop hurricanes by blowing them up with nuclear weapons. My favourite part of this article is that THEY DON’T DENY THAT THIS COULD WORK. I quote “apart from the fact that this might not even alter the storm”

MIGHT.

If it might not alter the storm it also MIGHT ALTER THE STORM. Maybe not stop it. But alterations are a distinction possible. Very sneaky researchers, making us focus on the negative and glossing right over that might.

It’s a fabulous idea. Very low budget movie type stuff. But fabulous in concept.

Only in concept, not in execution. DO NOT EXECUTE THE MIGHT. Because while shoving a nuclear bomb inside a hurricane might alter the storm, it will most definitely spread radioactive fallout all over everything.

This, needless to say, is not a good idea.

But the fact that this was released from a government funded facility means that the US has thought about this. Thanks for working so far outside the box.

And thanks for indulging the sci-fi nerds like me,

Aria

Thanks For: I Never Doubt Myself So Much as When I’m in the Make-Up Aisle

Dear Namer of Makeup,

What in the blue blazes is the colour starlight dark? That’s not a colour, it’s multiple colours. Are you telling me that this stick of eyeliner is dark with white flecks? Is it a mix of dark blue sky and yellow stars mixed into one colour? Did you literally manage to bottle the starlight dark so I can smear it by my eyelashes to look moderately presentable at work? I have no idea.

Basically the whole situation is hilarious. Thank you.

Best of all, the tube itself is grey. So starlight dark is maybe a fancy way of saying grey. After all the conveniently labeled ‘noir’, which sounds fancy but is essentially just ‘black’ in french, is in a black tube. The maiden’s kiss tube is red. Although there’s no reason for a maiden’s kiss to be red as it’s an intangible thing I get that you perceive it to be red. More relevantly, why do I want a maiden’s kiss smeared across my eyelids? Is there a problem with a crone’s kiss? Why a kiss at all?

These are the important questions.

Someone somewhere has the job of ‘find 100 ways to say red without actually using the word red’. They’re brilliant. I am admire their creativity. However, as a consumer this fills me with so much doubt. Do I need

– maiden’s kiss

– flaming lust

– vibrant pomegranate

– pale blush

– serial killer remnants

– fresh period

– picked at pimple

– smushed tomato

Clearly I’m quite good at this and someone should hire me.

Ultimately I bought both noir (black) and starlight dark (hopefully grey) simply because I couldn’t handle the mystery. Well I plopped some starlight dark eyeliner on this morning and guess what?

Dark grey with silver sparkles.

Sure, it makes perfect sense IN RETROSPECT. Now I’ve got to walk around work all sparkly. All sparkly things should contain a warning “MAY CONTAIN SPARKLES”

However, you made me smile and gave me a mystery. So thanks,

Aria

Thanks For: People Who Un-Subtly Enforce the Unspoken Car Merging Rule

Dear Double Lane Drivers,

If you know that your lane is ending just ahead and there is a humongously large line of cars lined up in the lane that doesn’t end AND YOU STAY IN YOUR LANE UNTIL YOU HIT THE MERGE then, how do I say this positively, you are the absolute best at being less than considerate and polite. You don’t think everyone stuck waiting in the non-merge lane doesn’t want to switch lanes, zip ahead twenty cars, and cut back over? Because we do. We just don’t. Because it’s rude.

I see this everyday coming home from work. I sit in the not moving lane and watch you fly by. You are forgiven for this if you’re from out of town, but there is no way that you’re all from our of town. No. You’re just being bumpits. And to the people who I see pull out of the slow lane and then race back in up ahead, ultimate bumpits.

I’m sure you’re lovely people but honestly, you’re having a bumpit moment.

Personally I just sit there and seethe a little. Then I roll down the windows and blast country music with the hope that you hate it. Then I get pelted by snow and rain because the weather here is lovely. It’s not a perfect system.

But then there are the people who actively do something about it. It’s not rude. It’s not aggressive. It’s brilliant. I’m not just brave enough to do. These brave soles sit squarely in the middle of road with half their car in each lane. You know what the bumpits can’t do? Get past

Unless they’re really very truly determined. I choose to assume someone in the car is pregnant and has to pee. Again, this is completely understandable.

These double lane cars prevent the merge lane cars from making it all the way to the merge. They decrease the advantage of the lane. The zippers are forced to merge early. Sometimes you see them looking sheepish, fully called out on their bumpit-ness.

It’s beautiful. Plus every car that’s not doing a double lane sit is rooting for them. They’re our champions, our mascots. They make us cheer and smile while we wait in the endless line of cars for the light to turn green so 2 cars can sneak through because that huge truck is so slow and can’t accelerate on a hill and takes up the whole light. Why is there no truck dedicated lane?

Thank you double lane drivers for enforcing the merging rule: merge early, be proactive, don’t be a bumpit.

Aria