Thanks For: Quasi-Baking that Prevents Flour Explosions

Dear Fake Baking,

Quasi-Baking: The art of creating desserts and baked goods without the use of many ingredients, copious amounts of time, or any flour that could potentially explode everywhere. Often used by people who have baking-capability deficiencies. Like me. I’m not a baker or a cooker or a food maker or a kitchen purveyor.

One time I had to make a frozen pizza and somehow ended up cooking half of it upside down so the topping dripped on the bottom of the oven. Note that this was ONLY HALF THE PIZZA. Clearly I’m a domestic goddess.

But work called for a potluck. In a stroke of genius I’d avoided any actual cooking and had ensured the safer squares-chocolate-baked goods option. Normally I’d purchase. But the women I work with? Mothers of extreme cooking prowess.

As the newbie I had to keep up. Somehow in my head, my being fired hinges entirely on my ability to produce a successful dessert item from scratch. I’m the most logical.

So thanks to baking that doesn’t require baking or finesse or skill of any kind. And thanks to the mother for still talking me through it. Because that’s how I roll. Give me a 4 ingredient recipe with a total of 8 minutes of oven time and I still need a guide to talk me through boiling copious amounts of butter and brown sugar. (Brown sugar has to be packed when measuring. What? Why? This isn’t the case with white sugar. Why the difference? I thought Organic Chem had weird measuring rules).

But thanks to you dear quasi-baking I could spread a butter/sugar mixture over soda crackers, coat the whole thing in chocolate, shove it in the freezer for 3 hours, throw the whole tray on the floor to crack the contents into little pieces, shove them all in tupperware, and voila – mildly acceptable home-made dessert. I don’t need your condescending chuckles Father, I am a domestic goddess.

So thank you quasi-baking, (thanks conditional upon everyone actually liking the food tonight at the potluck)



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